Is Faith a Choice?

 “Come now, let us argue it out,

    says the Lord” - Isaiah 1:18 (NRSV)

Here’s a question that’s been on my mind for several months: is faith a choice? For every question of truth, you can gather all the evidence on both sides and depending on the quality and quantity of evidence, you believe one side or the other. But what’s happening when being convinced happens? Do you consciously select a side to believe or do you just believe what you believe as a natural response to the evidence processed? Is the verdict a decision or is it more like a shiver in the cold or sweat in the sun? 

I’ve judged enough High School debate rounds to say that there definitely are belief-decisions that are consciously made. As a judge, I have to write an “RFD” or “reason for decision” indicating why I chose to side with the affirmative or the negative. But even then, sometimes my decision and its reason is contrary to what I actually believe. In spite of the way the debate added up like tally marks on the chalkboard (some faint, some bold, some triple-underlined by the skill of the debater), sometimes my brain is unconvinced even though I have consciously circled a winner and submitted my ballot. And is that a choice? Is the alignment of my brain with certain claims a conscious decision, or is it more like falling, helplessly, in love–that is, something that just happens? I think it’s the latter. You can choose what to emphasize, and that might allow you to consciously manipulate your mind toward belief, but ultimately, the belief itself is not a chosen thing. 

I’ve confessed on several occasions and to ecclesiastical leaders that over the last few years that I have felt my faith in God decline. Often people respond by drawing attention to my behaviors. They point to my enthusiastic scripture study, my church attendance, to family history research, to priesthood service. That, they say, is faith. You’re showing me a lot of faith, Josh, through your actions, they say. And I think for their purposes at least, they have a point. When a bishop or stake president is asking if you have faith in something, what they are really after is “faith unto action” that indicates to them that you’re the kind of person who can accept a calling or enter the temple with integrity. And when it comes to questions of faith, whenever there is a lack of complete evidence on either side (which there usually is to be honest) I have chosen faith. I’ve spent a lot of time weighing the scales of the fruits of my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I’ve decided that for me, the benefits outweigh the harms. I understand that it doesn’t shake out that way for many, but for me, at least so far, it does. So  I’ve chosen the path of faith. In many ways I’ve increased the intensity of the behaviors of faithful people, part in hope that my faith will increase and part just out of genuinely enthusiastic interest. But even though I’ve turned in my ballot for faith, in the darkness of my mind, where I can be nothing but honest, I must confess that I don’t actually believe many of the things I act like I do. I can recognize that I want to believe. I can plant and nourish the seeds of faith, but ultimately, whether the tree grows (See Alma 32), isn’t a choice. It’s just what happens. And it’s not happening for me. 

Some things that I don’t believe in, I’m totally okay with. I actively disbelieve the church’s dogma that ONLY marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God. I actively disbelieve that gender is an essential characteristic of eternal destiny and purpose. I actively disbelieve that the sanctity of life automatically prioritizes the life of fetuses over the reproductive rights of women. I think these ideas are so poorly justified by the church, though, that it’s possible to be completely loyal to the core of the gospel without them. Even on my high-faith days, I think that apostles and prophets are just wrong on these issues and I think that says more about their status as humans than it does their status as prophets. I’ve stopped even wanting to believe these things. 

Other things I only disbelieve because my brain won’t accept them, despite my best efforts. 

No, I don’t think faith is a choice. But that’s a recent conclusion, so I’m happy to be convinced otherwise if you can make me. 

Or maybe it’s half choice, and half gift. When people ask me if I “have faith” in certain things, I think I can honestly say that I do in a limited capacity. I’ve made the choice to orient myself in line with these truths, and the wise leaders I’ve discussed this with are right that there is something faith-full in that. But there’s another half that I feel like I have no control of. And it isn’t confirming to me the faith-filled half. 

I don’t know! Just some thoughts. Please let me know if you have your own thoughts on the subject or if any of this resonated with you!